That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
