True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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