Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
