why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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