If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize