On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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