literally had 100 drinks last night.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's always time for handjobs
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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