You're my little dorito
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
