My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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