Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
wakey wakey hands off snakey
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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