Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
