Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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