Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
