Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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