just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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