My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
