Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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