If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
