This is not my ceiling
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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