Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
