Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
