That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
