i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
