my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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