I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
