Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
