I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
