I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize