For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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