All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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