she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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