Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
