I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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