Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just found puke in my bra..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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