There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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