R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
