ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
