I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
