I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
