I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
