Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
