I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
