after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
