2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
