Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
