Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
