I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
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After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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