and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We have so much sex to catch up on
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
