Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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