We got so high we made milksteak
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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