that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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