Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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