i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
