I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
