They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
