then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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