oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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