Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
