No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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