That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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