if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize