So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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