I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
